on the flip side
I titled my last post very dramatically as “before everything changes”, except it turns out to have not been very dramatic at all. I’m writing this from Corgi Cafe, after wrapping up my six-week postpartum OB appointment. It feels like the right time to write this, as this was my last OB appointment for this pregnancy, a symbolic end to this part of the journey.
As I sat down to write this post, I realized there’s actually so much to say that it’s hard to know where to start. Part of it is that a lot has happened, and part of it is that I’m still processing all of it. The last six weeks have gone by in a complete blur. Yet day to day, it sometimes feels like not much has happened at all. We feed the baby, change him, sleep, go on walks, and then do it all again the next day. But looking back, I guess a lot has happened. We had a baby. We learned how to take care of him. He’s already changed so much. And I think I have too.
the birth
One inconspicuous day in July, my life totally changed. And the transition was violent in its suddenness. We went from being two self-sufficient adults who worked, traveled, picked up new hobbies, and generally lived our lives however we wanted, to suddenly being handed this teeny tiny human we had to keep alive.
Pregnancy was a (painfully) slow nine-month transition. But birth was instantaneous. As soon as baby T was pushed out of my body (by me!), there he was: a whole person, fully and completely dependent on us in the most physical sense. We were responsible for his safety and protection. And every few hours, I was responsible for nourishing his little body with mine.
I’m happy to report that despite all my anxiety surrounding the birth, it actually went much smoother than expected! I had found pregnancy itself to be so miserable that I assumed birth would be the terrible grand finale. But I’m happy to say that birth was actually a much easier experience for me than pregnancy was.
I think a couple things contributed to this:
The epidural is magic. I got it pretty early, so I basically got to avoid most of the most painful parts of labor. Once you get the epidural, it feels like your legs are super heavy and asleep, but you can still feel some sensation, like flexing your pelvic floor, which is how you’re able to push at the end.
Once things started moving, they moved quickly. (I was actually in early labor for two days, but that’s a story for another day.) Once I had my water broken and started pitocin, things progressed pretty quickly. I pushed for about 50 minutes before baby T came out, which I’m told is relatively fast for your first time.
Recovery was easier than I expected. I was able to get the vaginal birth that I wanted, and despite a second-degree tear, recovery was pretty smooth. I was able to walk around the neighborhood, albeit slowly, immediately after getting home from the hospital. I genuinely thought I was going to be bedridden for a while.
the newborn part
Ok, I feel cliché writing this, but I was hit with the same wtf realization that so many first-time parents have in the first few weeks: the newborn trenches. Basically, all you do is feed, diaper, and sleep, on repeat, every 2–3 hours. By the time you finish feeding, burping, changing, swaddling, soothing, and getting the baby back to sleep, you might have an hour before you start all over again.
Breastfeeding was probably the hardest part for me in the beginning. My milk came in a little later than expected, and baby ended up so dehydrated that we had a late-night ER visit. Then my milk came in and he was transferring well, but feeding was so painful for me. My nipples were cracked and bleeding, and sometimes the latch hurt so bad that I would literally scream between clenched teeth. In the moment, it felt relentless and like it would never get better. But it did. Now, he latches easily, and there’s zero pain for me. Our next challenge is figuring out how to feed smoothly when we’re out of the house!
Mentally, things have been easier than I expected, but definitely not easy. There were days when I felt sad or depressed because I felt like I hadn’t done anything all day. I would wake up at noon after being up all night and feel like the whole day was already past. One of our friends told us the first month would feel like “one very long day,” and that turned out to be extremely accurate. Days and nights don’t mean much when you’re feeding a baby around the clock.
Slowly, though, we’re finding a rhythm. He can sleep for longer stretches, so I’m getting more sleep (still not a ton, but more), and I’m finding little pockets of time to do things for myself. Getting out of the house every day has helped a lot. I’ll put him in the carrier and we head outside for a stroll around the block, and truly, sunshine does wonders for the mental.
reflections
Being a parent is really cool. Baby T is changing so quickly, and every new “first” feels genuinely exciting. At this age, the changes are tiny, but we notice all of them. A new sound, a different expression, the way he suddenly looks at something for a little longer than he did the week before. We’re just getting to the point where it feels like he might intentionally smile at us soon, which I am very excited about. It’s also been really special seeing both me and my husband in him. He genuinely looks like a mix of the two of us, which is kind of crazy to look at when you think about it. And I’ve loved watching my husband become a dad. Seeing how gentle and caring he is with baby T has made me appreciate him in a completely new way.
It definitely hasn’t all been sunshine and rainbows. The good moments outweigh the hard ones by a lot, but becoming a mother has still been more emotionally complicated than I expected. I love being baby T’s mom, but I’m also still adjusting to everything that comes with that identity. I notice the expectations placed on mothers everywhere now in a way I didn’t before, and I’ve cried about the inequity of it more times than I can count.
But when it comes to baby T himself, that part feels much simpler. I’m kind of obsessed with my kid. We think he is ridiculously cute. My husband and I are obsessed with the iMessage stickers we make of him and send to each other nonstop throughout the day.
~
By the time I feel like I’ve gotten used to one version of being a parent, something changes. He changes, our routine changes, I change, and suddenly there’s something new to figure out. But I think this is just how parenthood goes.
Anyway, that’s all I have for now. Fittingly, baby T just woke up from his nap and is crying to be fed, so I guess it’s time for me to go.
