Engagement Ring Shopping Guide, for the Anti-Ring Girlie

the intro

Surprise — I’m engaged! Well, technically we’ve been engaged for five months now and if you are one of my IRL friends, this comes as no surprise at all.

This time last year, I thought I did not want an engagement ring at all. But now, after 144 full days of wearing my ring aka 144 days of reflecting on the the tangible choices made, along with the intangible symbolic meaning of it all, I can confidently say that I have fully embraced by new identity as a ring girlie.

In this post, I will lay out how that change of heart came to be and walk through the different things I considered while ring shopping. Perhaps other anti-ring girlies out there will find this helpful.

Commence Amanda’s ring ramble now~

the story

When we first started thinking about getting engaged and looking at rings together, I was an anti-engagement ring girlie mainly because I didn’t think I would actually ever wear the ring. Which then felt like it would be a waste to even get one at all. But here I am now, ring-adorned and full of opinions on finding the perfect engagement ring right for any other girlie out there who also isn’t sure whether or not they are a ring girlie.

Early on in the ring shopping process, we stopped into a Tiffany’s to look at the selection, but nothing caught my eye. We also checked out other well-known brands like Cartier and even explored the bustling NYC Diamond District on 47th, only to return feeling uninspired. Everything I saw looked the same. Most of the ring styles were silver in color (I prefer the warmer hue of yellow gold in my jewlery). The stones all sat sky high on their settings, which I knew would pose imminent threat to my poor clothing.

In fact, the engagement ring shopping process was so off-putting, that after a couple of appointments, I told my fiancé (then-boyfriend) that I just wanted us to get wedding bands that would serve double duty to symbolize our engagement and marriage.

A note on tradition: There are many wedding norms and etiquettes I learn about daily during the wedding planning process — including ring etiquette! In America, it is common for a woman to receive an engagement ring (the diamond ring) in addition to a wedding band (commonly a plain metal band), while the man only gets a wedding band. The engagement ring is presented during the proposal, and wedding bands are traditionally exchanged during the wedding ceremony.

Yes, this does mean that the girl wears the diamond engagement ring during the engagement period (time between proposal and wedding), while the dude only starts to wear their ring after the wedding. Personally, I am not a fan of this tradition 😠 but luckily you and your partner can do whatever you want. One ring, two rings, no rings, it's all up to you to decide what traditions and rituals make sense for your relationship 😌

So we changed our focus to looking for matching wedding bands, forgoing the traditional engagement ring all together.

There was one design we particularly liked: the plain band with a small baguette/rectangle diamond in the center that gives off the essence of a diamond engagement ring. A little nod to tradition, if you will.

A few weeks into the shopping process, the Instagram algorithm gods had caught onto what was happening, and I was being bombarded with ring ads left and right. As we are well aware, the wedding industry is a behemoth, and nothing demonstrates this better than the ABSOLUTELY INSANE SPEED at which targeted ads descend upon you after you dare start typing "engagement ring" into that little search box for the first time.

Here's the kicker about marketers: they truly understand their target audience. And lo and behold, there were some rings in those Instagram ads that I actually found appealing in terms of design. The designers behind these ads had NYC showrooms, so I decided to make one more round of appointments to see them in person. We were going back to the showroom where we would be purchasing our wedding bands from anyway (one last visit to make our final decision), and all the showrooms were right next door to each other.

So we went! I tried on multiple designs of engagement rings that I actually liked and felt excited to wear. It just took a while to sort through all the options and learn the language to find the brands that had a design ethos that matched my own.

the principles

Here were my two guiding principles when it came to what I was looking for:

1. I wanted my ring to be a physical daily reminder of our relationship and commitment to each other, not something that I only wear on special occasions or date nights. This meant it needed to be something I could wear every single day and to seamlessly fit into the cadence of my daily life.

   • Design aesthetics: simple enough to go with both casual and dressy outfits, yellow gold to match with my existing jewelry, clothing, and skin tone

• Design durability: I should be able to move with ease and not worry about snags or bumping into tables and bending the ring

• Stone durability: be quite hard on the Mohs hardness scale, anything greater than 9 would be durable enough for my lifestyle —> this made diamond, moissanite, and sapphires the best center stone options

• Stone size: not too big to wear it would feel more like a special occasion type of ring

• Cost: a price tag that I felt comfortable wearing in all situations and we would not fret over if I somehow lost the ring🤞

2. I wanted me and my partner to both like the ring —> we went shopping together and he could give his input

• Stone aesthetics: my partner’s main request was that he wanted something sparkly which narrowed down the stone options to something with many facets and a high refractive index (ie. brilliant cut diamonds or moissanites, but probably not a colored sapphire). My suspicion is that his color-blindness makes it challenging to appreciate the beautiful hues of colored stones… he disagrees with my acute observation, sigh.

the elements

With the following principles in mind, these were the main elements that were of consideration as I shopped for a low profile ring that would be wearable everyday.

The setting

Setting height and prong design

Two major factors that lead to snagging are setting height and prongs. Lower setting height (low profile) minimizes the chances of the ring getting caught on things. Prongs are often responsible for snagging, but not prongs all bad! If you find a jeweler that understands these concerns, they can utilize good craftsmanship to ensure that the prongs are tight and polished. That said, the bezel setting superior when it comes to the snag-free life.

"the terminology refers to the ring's height off the finger: Low-profile engagement rings aren't raised the way a towering solitaire is. The easiest way to tell if a ring is low-profile is if the bottom facet—called the culet, and usually pointed—rests inside the band or is fully encased (making it low-profile) or above the band (high-profile)"

Elle Cashin, read more about low profile rings

Flush vs. not flush

Do you care if your wedding band stacks perfectly next to your engagement ring? If yes, make sure to pick a setting design that allows for it. Usually stacking flush and low profile don’t go hand in hand, but jewelers can get creative with the setting design so there is enough “side of stone” space to accommodate the wedding band.

Band thickness

The dainty look has been trendy for the past couple years, making extremely thin bands (1.7-1.8mm) a popular aesthetic choice. But in the name of durability, I would consider a thicker band (2.0-2.2mm). I actually had my band thickness increased from 1.8mm to 2.0mm from the original design.

Metal type

Yellow gold, rose gold, or white gold in 14k or 18k. Platinum is the other slightly more $ option if you want a silver color. Think about what color jewelry you typically wear/what color goes with your clothing and skin tone.

The stone

Gemstone type

Initially I was fully on the moissanite train because of cost savings + if you do a round brilliant cut, it is almost impossible to tell the difference in light refraction. Moissanite is actually “sparklier” than diamond so that was also a plus when it came to my partner’s love of shiny stones. But we ended up with lab diamond because at the place I got my ring and the size of the stone, it was like a negligible price difference, and they had more diamonds for us to actually see in person and a lot of the moissanites were actually too large (it gets much cheaper to do moissanite than diamond once you get to the 2ct, 3ct, 4ct, etc. so most of the stores we visited only carried larger sizes to look at in the showroom).

Shape

I recommend trying everything on the person because things look different on your finger than online. I initially was only looking at round, but after trying things on, I was surprised to find that the square shapes (cushion, princess) looked as good on me as round!

Two of my favorite lesser known shapes/cuts are the rose cut and old mine cut.

The Four C’s

If you end up going with a diamond, you will definitely hear all about the Four C’s (cut, color, clarity, carat). Carat actually refers to the weight and not visual size of the stone from the top. So depending on the stone shape you decide on, the carat weight you are looking for will vary quite a bit. As an example, rose cut diamonds “face up” really big, since it’s flat on the bottom and most of the surface area is facing up. So a 0.5ct rose cut will literally look the same size from the top as a 1ct brilliant round. When in store and shopping with the associates, it is easy to get distracted into thinking that bigger is better, because so many of the showrooms will only have larger diamonds for you to try on, so keep that in mind as you are shopping! I actually ended up thinking that the diamond in my final ring was larger than I expected. I saw the loose stone prior to it being set, and the bezel setting that I ultimately chose added to the overall top view size, so that is something to keep in mind.

To be honest, all the other Cs almost do not matter as much as the diamond industry would like you to think. While you may be able to tell the difference between loose stones when you compare them side-by-side at the store, it will be impossible to distinguish a different when it is just one rock on your own finger. As long as it looks good to you, you’re golden. There are certain cuts where visible inclusions (the clarity) matter more since each facet has bigger flat surface for you to look into (think step cuts like an emerald or rose cuts). When it comes to color, whiter is not always better, especially if you set it in yellow or rose gold — the gold will warm up the stone anyway. And honestly… a warmer color grade might even look better with the gold and your skin color, depending on the vibe you are going for.

*PRO TIP*

• start your search at a big box, brand name store like Tiffany, Cartier, Zales, Kay Jewelers. the goal is to try on some rings just to see them in person. pay attention to stone size and shape and general design elements that you like. they usually have a lot of styles in stock and you can just walk in to see them at any time. once you get an idea of what roughly what you like, it makes it easier to sort through options online.

• always make your final stone selection in person, if possible. things look super different online vs. in person! make sure to look at how the stone looks  in different lighting (go near a window for natural sunlight, diamonds always look shinier in the store lighting). put the stone on top of your hand to see how it looks over your skin tone.

and *badumbadum*…. the ring!

A yellow gold, low profile, half bezel beauty.

Something that I look forward to putting on every morning

and brings a smile to my face whenever I look down and am reminded of

this time in our life when we went ring shopping together

*SOME JEWELERS I LIKE *

with focus on low profile, durable, wearable setting designs. 
reasonable pricing, and work with natural/lab diamonds, moissanite, and sapphire

• frank darling: this is where I got my ring and was the place where I first found multiple low profile yet flush designs that I liked. they have a huge e-comm presence and have try at home kits (like Warby Parker).  on the product description they list “setting height” which will tell you how high off your finger it will be. you can ask any jeweler about this, many of them don’t list it in the product description. they have physical showrooms in nyc and sf

• laura preshong: boston-based, I love their thoughtful design ethos. like how there is little indent in the band that keeps stone low profile that I think makes so much sense

• vale jewelry: nyc-based jeweler with focus on rose cut diamonds and sapphire. romantic, minimalist, vintage

• hera fine jewelry: nyc and south carolina based. amazing tiktok presence where the ceo, lauren, talks all about her design choices and ring shopping education. her whole brand ethos is on designs that are durable! extensive moissanite selection in many colors. the youngest/newest brand out of this list

• valerie madison: seattle-based, beautiful rose-cut diamond and sapphire options, beautiful bezels, vintage design aesthetic